The 1 + 9 = 19 Revelation Into Understanding Your Teenager

When my daughter was 19 I wrote an article about the 1+9= 19 Revelation. The article was based on my experiences with a growing teenager who was maturing and growing out of her childhood years.

Since that time I've had several people e-mail me thanking me for defining their challenging teenager. Perhaps it's time to dust off the cobwebs from this post and update it as my teenager has grown into a wonderful 20 year old. Perhaps it will give some insight into others who have had some challenging times with their teenagers and perhaps at last it will give some hope that these years shall pass.

The 1+9= 19 Revelation

While cleaning the house this morning I headed into my daughters room. She is 19 years old. While picking up the piles of dirty clothes, I found myself gritting my teeth again. I proceeded to tidy up her room and make the bed. I didn't touch anything else but rather made it 'presentable'. The way "I" like it.

I refer to the past several years as the "Oil & Water Years" as I think we've both gone through some growing pains, maturing, trying to see eye-to-eye, miscommunication, testing each others strengths and weaknesses and using one or the other to our benefit.

I think at times we tested my husbands belief in family and the bond that we'd always heard about between mothers & daughters. I am reminded of his statement to me, "You need to pick your battles" after a drag out argument where doors were slammed and voices were lost.

It's been a constant battle trying to manage my abilities to 'accept' that my daughter keeps her room the way 'she' likes it vs. how 'I' like it. My husband suggests that I just keep her bedroom door closed, but I am of the old-fashioned "Open Door Policy" belief. 

Then for whatever reason I decided to read articles on "What can my baby do at this age" and then about "9" year olds. I was wondering if there was somehow a correlation between those ages and her current age.

This is when the 1+9 = 19 Revelation occurred

Age 1 vs. Age 19

1:   Walks alone - then begins to run

19:  Drives with a passenger and then alone

1:    Dances with music

19:  Downloads hundreds of songs and music on her ipod

1:    Plays with push and pull toys

19:  Communicates daily with hundreds of friends via phone and computer

1:    Mostly feeds self with fingers

19:  Mostly feeds self with fingers with the occasional fork and knife

1:    Drinks well from a cup

19:   Drinks from a bottle, cup, can and mug

1:   Can help with dressing and undress with simple clothes

19:  Dresses herself with clothes she bought herself, accessorizing and uses makeup

1:   First molar teeth appear

19:  Drives herself to the dentist for cavities filled, root canals and crowns

1:   May sleep 10-12 hours a night

19:  Needs 10-12 hours of sleep but stays up late doing homework or with friends

Age 9 vs. Age 19

9:   Is interested in food, cooking and eating, usually comes home from school hungry

19:  Will cook her own food, taking culinary classes and still comes home hungry

9:   Has difficulty with table manners

19:  Occasionally needs to be reminded to stop texting while eating at the table

9:   Is a good sleeper, but some do have nightmares

19:  Is still a good sleeper, although tends to stay up very late

9:  Is not very neat with her clothes, rarely hanging up coats or putting dirty clothes in the hamper without being reminded. Some will pick up dirty clothes from the day before and try to wear them, not really noticing whether clothes are clean or dirty

19: Hmm.. not much has changed but certainly adds to the revelation! Although, will do her own laundry from time to time and knows exactly where any given piece of clothing is at any point of time

9:  Likes to plan her days, and is persistent in completing her plans

19: Sets her alarm clock on her phone, gets up on time for school and work, plans her days accordingly leaving room in her busy school and work schedule for time with family and friends

This is when the 1 + 9 = 19 Revelation is understood

By adding the two ages I am now able to understand my 19 year old better. I see where I may be asking too much, not choosing the battles to be fought and not allowing her to become the young woman that she is setting out to be.  So, maybe she and I don't always see "eye-to-eye", but if we did, life would be on the boring side. There would be no learning, no figuring things out, no compromising to see the other side of the view. 

Perhaps I am taking the necessary step into making a resolution come true.. giving my daughter my patience and understanding. Maybe I should look at all the fine qualities she has picked up along the way between ages one and 19 like:

- Caring

- Loving

- Hard working

- Understanding

- Sensible

 - Beautiful inside and out

Maybe it's OK to leave her bedroom door half closed as this is who she is and who she loves to be. I can't turn back the clock and make her little again.  I can only savor the year when we can still call her a 'teenager' because after that she's a woman and who knows whether the clothes will be piled up in the corners or even in the room at all.

Age 20 - Update

Even though at times I'm still picking my battles, the air is clear, my daughter is a hardworking woman who defines the meaning of well rounded and mature.

The Revelation is = how many times have you heard, "our children grow up way too fast"? Indeed they do, and sometimes the road to maturity isn't always a bed of roses. In fact, sometimes help is needed to figure out the road to the growing child, either spiritually or professionally. Either way, it's OK to seek help when trying to figure out how to raise your child.

Times are so different now than they were when us Baby Boomers were young. Technology, peer pressure, outside influences, all create pebbles in the road to a growing child but, in the end, when our children reach maturity, we can look back and say, "We did it", "I'm proud" and "Yes, that's my child isn't she wonderful!"